Thursday, November 16, 2006

I recently acquired a spiritual guide-a very affirming encouraging woman named Karyl. I am in fact going over there tonight, once a month. This is November. I am trying to think about what we will talk about. I am also trying to write a memoir. Sometimes I still get afraid, still have trouble receiving and giving, trusting. And experiencing God's love.

Monday, August 21, 2006

how does my mom sit all day here at home in the summer?? sure she goes out to lunch sometimes with people, but how does she just stay home all day every day with nothing to do but housework? i cannot stay content worth anything in my house right now. i want to get out and do soemthing everyday. i cannot even believe this is happening. even when i have two doctors appt's and then hannah is supposed to call im still getting anxious. have i forgotten how to rest? i've thought about what you said about writing. i even thought last night how i should write about kayaking in the middle of the r iver, the stillness. i cant even bring myself to slow down. maybe it's just my house because of the mix of feelings and emotions here. i try to clean out my room and i can't hardly bear to get rid of things that are attached to memories, or i tire of it. i connect with the outside world on this computer and i go insane because i think i spend too many hours on it. i drove through my subdivision today and didn't want anyone to see me driving through it. i wish i had a front porch to sit on, i wish my pool was in the front of my house.
my mom is just out swimming around the pool, circling, circling, it kills me. I can't even stand it and i dont know why. it drives me insane and yet i dont have anything better for her or i to do. Why do i let this ha ppen to me? And yet ,maybe she is happy. content with nothing to do and Im just mad because i'm not. the world feels too big, i think i've gained too much freedom. now all i want is adventure, risk, maybe im afraid to lose it, maybe im afraid to slow down, because i'll have to feel things.
i am becoming one of those people who want to escape their lives at camp, im thinking everyday what i would be doing if i were there, and yet it's not even happening right now. it's over.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

a new post!?

So, if you've noticed, i haven't posted recently. Alright, alright I'm going to post now, but don't get too excited, because it's not anything so great. I'm just going to tell you guys what's going on in my life recently, in case you are wondering.
If anyone is reading this...

I am again at camp this summer. Today happens to be the first day of my week off. Hooray. I am as lazy as ever. You would think after 7 straight weeks of work from 6am-11pm i would not be so lazy today, but what can i say, sunday is a day of rest, and rest i will be. I have been reading A Prayer for Owen Meany, pretty much the best book ever. I've read like 100 some pages in just the last 24 hours. it's so good. I'm going to finish the 617 page book within the next 24 hours.
Anyways, so i'm not a camp counselor this summer, in fact i'm an Area Director. It's pretty challenging yet pretty good. I get to make my own schedule, which is nice and wonderful at the times I'm exhausted and want to nap. I also am in charge, which can be quite overwhelming at times. But God has been really faithful so far, and i know it will continue. That's pretty much it. On Tuesday this week, i'm flying to New Jersey and I'm pretty excited!!!!! Pretty much I can't wait. Pretty much.

Maybe i'll let you know how it all goes down

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I've been thinking

I don't think I'll mind when I get out of school to work a day job, serving coffee, collecting books, scrubbing pots, as long as when I come home in the evenings I can write. Writing about the people who came into my store-the lady with the large purple hat and the cat in her purse, or the man with the short tie and short pants who nervously asked for the Shakespeare book when I knew he was lying.
At least then I will have no homework to bring home from work and time to steal from my mind, clicking away at noticing light and bright chocolate donuts in the bottom of white paper bags. And I dont think i'll mind that I'm just starting out, and I'm new, and i have no experience or published pieces and no one will want to hire me, and I don't think I'll mind that I have no internships under my belt that I promised my parents i would do my senior year in the spring in order to secure a financial future for me and my family.
I'll work a day job mom. I'll write at night dad. I'll write and write and attend workshops to improve, and one day, when I'm ready, I'll go to grad school or I'll get an internship and show them my stuff.
But until then, I've been thinking, I think I'll be alright.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

ooh Heaven is a place on Earth

Today in the shower, Heaven came to Earth. The hot water turned on.
We have a very tempermental shower here at the Hollister house, to say the least. I can't exactly vouch for the shower downstairs, although I have used it once or twice on accident when our drain was clogged, but I can speak confidently about the upstairs faucet. It's one of those old ones like you find in England with two seperate dials-one for hot, and one for cold. Yet neither of them are labeled. Which now that I think about it, is likely on purpose.
I like to take showers specifically to get warm, but around here you can really only take them to get clean, which I normally don't get too excited about. It takes about half the shower to get the water the right temperature, and just when you've got it, it starts getting slightly colder. Now at that point, I suppose I should just let the temperature be, but being the greedy water hog I am, I want it to be warm, so I start messing again with the dials. I've learned to turn them just slightly-to the left it goes up, to the right down.

Sunday, February 12, 2006


My advice for y'all on how to write well:

Find a nice quiet space, and just smash some wine glasses against the wall.
That's all. Simple really.